


Something Like Forgiveness

by dreamerfound



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Grant Ward Redemption, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 15:04:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13977624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamerfound/pseuds/dreamerfound
Summary: Canon divergence set in early Season 2Skye has trouble sleeping and finds herself visiting Ward in secret while he's being held in Vault D.*mentions Ward's past suicide attempts*





	Something Like Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jungle_ride](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jungle_ride/gifts).



Skye hadn't been sleeping much. Usually, she could fall asleep just fine. Training with May left her so exhausted that she usually fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Staying asleep was a totally different story. Every night for the last week and a half Skye had woken up in the middle of the night after only two or three hours, unable to fall back asleep. Sometimes it was a nightmare that woke her up, other times she woke up in an unexplainable panic. It was really starting to wear her down. 

S.H.I.E.L.D. was now a rebel organization. Coulson was Director and barely had any time for her anymore. Simmons was gone, Fitz was broken and there were new people crawling all over the base. This was not what Skye had signed up for. She missed the way it used to be. Of course, that had been a lie. Skye rubbed her eyes, she really needed a good night's sleep. Her head kept spinning with thoughts and regrets, she was having trouble concentrating on much of anything.

"Skye, you need to get your head in the game." It was like May was echoing her thoughts.

"I know." It wasn't for a lack of trying.

"Your form is off, you're better than this, Skye." Her lack of sleep was starting to affect her training, which was not good. Training was the only thing keeping her sane these days. She'd thrown herself into it after the whole Hydra debacle. 

"I haven't been sleeping well." She hated admitting it, it made her feel weak. Skye was done with feeling weak.

"Meditation."

"You want me to meditate?" May wasn't one to waste words, was she?

"Do I need to repeat myself?" May gave her the mom look. Skye resisted the urge to duck her head and shuffle her feet.

"No ma'am, any suggestions on how I learn to do that?"

"You're good with the internet, look it up. I've got a meeting with the Director." May left the room, the conversation obviously over. 

Later that night, Skye looked up meditation on the internet and instantly felt overwhelmed. There was too much information. There were different types and multiple ways to go about it. There were different reasons and various schools of thought. She was way out of her league. It was giving her a headache. She decided to randomly pick something and give it a try but rethought that decision when her finger landed on loving-kindness meditation. Something in her rebelled at the very idea but she followed the link and did a bit more reading. An hour later Skye wanted to punch something. The very idea of having compassion for everyone including her enemies caused rage to flood through her veins. Sure it looked nice on the screen. Very touchy-feely; turn the other cheek and all that. It made her want to puke. She closed her laptop and headed to the sparring room to hit the punching bag a few million times.

Skye's whole body ached by the time she crawled into bed that night. She was sure she'd sleep longer this time. She had to. Two hours later she jolted awake for no apparent reason. Again. Skye was so tired, she wanted to cry. She stayed in bed, eyes closed, willing herself back to sleep. It didn't work. When she couldn't stand it any longer she got up, thinking maybe she should give that meditation thing a try. What could it hurt? 

Skye downloaded a guided meditation onto her phone and settled in the corner of her room to give it a try. This first part wasn't too bad. It wanted her to send out love to people she loved and who loved her. She could do that. She thought of Coulson, May, and the rest of the team. Her family. It seemed to go okay, yet left her with a sense of sadness. Her team was broken, they didn't even feel like much of a team these days. She missed what they had before. 

Next, it wanted her to send out loving-kindness to the rest of the world, which was a bit harder. Hydra was part of the rest of the world, so was Ward. Skye didn't really want to send any peace and happiness to them, especially not Grant Ward. What was the point? She skipped over them and sent good thoughts out to all the non-sucky people in the world. When she was done, she crawled back into bed and fell asleep. 

Skye told herself that it was simple curiosity that caused her to look into Ward's file the next day. She knew he was being kept in Vault D; down in the basement. She hadn't visited him. She hadn't even asked for any updates on him and no one had offered her any. Mostly she was trying to pretend he no longer existed, easier that way. Turned out she'd almost gotten her wish. Two suicide attempts, and now he wasn't even allowed reading material. What struck her as especially cruel, was that as far as she could tell he hadn't been given any type of therapy, not in the beginning and not after trying to kill himself, twice. Skye may have hated the man, but didn't prisoners have that right? Even traitorous assholes? Ugh. What was wrong with her? Why was she feeling sympathetic to the man who had betrayed her? Stupid meditation. She wasn't trying that again, that was for sure. 

A few nights later Skye woke up screaming. She checked the clock and saw she'd only been asleep for two hours. Not this again. She didn't want to do the meditation thing, it was lame and had strange side effects; like having feelings about a certain someone she'd rather not think about. Then again, she did sleep better the first time she tried. But was it worth it? Maybe some Sleepytime tea would do the trick instead. 

In the kitchen she found herself brewing two cups of herbal tea. What was wrong with her? Screw it, the thoughts weren't going to go away until she faced him. Skye had no desire to clue the rest of the team in on what she was about to do. They were keeping their own secrets, she could keep hers. She made sure to put the Vault D video feed on a loop so as not to give herself away. Then she headed down the stairs, both mugs in hand. It didn't take her long to figure out the controls and drop the barrier between her and Ward. The look of shock on his face made all the sneaking around kinda worth it. 

"Skye, is that really you?"

"I couldn't sleep. I brought you tea." It made sense in her head.

"You couldn't sleep, so you made me tea?"

"I made an extra mug when I made mine, just take the tea." She handed him the mug and he took it. She caught a glimpse of his scars and it chilled her to the bone. Shaking her head, she sat down and took a sip of the tea. Bitter. She should've of added honey. Too late now, she drank it anyway.

"Thank you." Ward took a sip from his cup. The look of raw gratitude on his face made Skye feel weird. 

"Just so you know I'm taking the mug with me when I leave, I know about -- you know." Her eyes darted to the scars on his wrists.

"Did they tell you?" 

"I read your chart." No one had been telling her anything lately.

"Does Coulson know?"

"About me reading your chart?" Skye shrugged. "He has his own secrets, I'm entitled to mine." She failed to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

"I told them I was willing to talk to you, that I'd tell you anything."

"News to me." Skye hated being kept out of the loop. Hadn't she earned the right to know these things? To be in the inner circle? Whatever, it didn't matter. Not now.

"Is there anything you want to know?" 

"Are you still Hydra?" 

"No, I was only Hydra for Garrett. I owed him. My loyalty was only to him."

"Why?" Skye didn't understand that kind of blind loyalty.

"He saved me."

"Did he? Really?" Skye didn't know everything but she knew enough to realize that Garrett had abused Ward. Not that it excused what he'd done, but it helped explain it. Even she could admit that. At least to herself.

Ward sipped his tea and turned away. This was not the same Grant Ward Skye thought she'd gotten to know. That Grant Ward hadn't been real. Would she like this one? She didn't think so, how could she? He was a stone-cold killer. But hadn't the other version been one too? Wasn't the difference merely who he was killing for and maybe how much he did or didn't care about who got caught in the crossfire? It wasn't like S.H.I.E.L.D. had him babysitting bunnies. Bunny sitting? Skye frowned down at her tea. What was in this stuff? When had she gotten so soft? "I've got to go. You finished with the tea?" 

Ward downed the rest of the tea and held out the empty mug. Skye took it and put the barrier back in place.

"I'll never lie to you, Skye. Not again. Anything you want to know you can just ask me and I'll tell you."

"Why would I believe you?"

"Because I love you."

Skye rolled her eyes and headed back up the stairs. What could she even say to that? Coming down there had been a mistake, one she had no intention of repeating.

The next few days Skye threw herself back into her training and pushed all thoughts of Grant Ward from her mind. Going down to see him had been a mistake. It made her feel things she had no business feeling. Never again.

The next nightmare shook Skye so bad, she didn't even try to go back to sleep. All she could remember when she woke up was holding Ward's lifeless body in her arms as his blood pooled around her. She couldn't shake the image and found herself heading back to the basement. Skye needed to see Ward alive and well. She snuck down with a bottle of whiskey. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"I wasn't sure you'd be back," Ward said when she shut the barrier down. 

Skye shrugged. "Honestly I didn't think I would be." She looked him up and down, he looked okay. He didn't look like he'd been hurting himself again. The flood of relief surprised her. She opened the bottle she was clinging to and took a chug. Not exactly ladylike, but fuck it, since when did she care about that sort of thing?

"Are you okay?" 

Skye shook her head. "Bad dreams." She could still see his blood on her hands. She shivered.

"Did you try meditating?"

"Seriously? Don't you start too." She eyed the bottle a minute before taking another sip.

"Did May have you try it?"

"Yeah, and I wasn't a fan." The whiskey on the other hand, that she was definitely a fan of. Skye's face was starting to feel a little numb in a really nice way. 

"How many times did you try?" He folded his arms in front of his chest and gave her the same look he used to give her when he was her CO and trying to get her to do something she didn't want to do. It filled her with a sense of longing that made her heart ache.

"Once. That was enough, thank you. It's not for me." She took another swig of the whiskey. She knew it was reckless but it was starting to calm her nerves. 

"Should you really be drinking so much, especially down here with me?" 

Skye considered raising the barrier again but found herself feeling reluctant to do so. "Do you plan on hurting me, Ward?"

"No, never again. I never wanted to hurt you before..." Skye held up her hand. She had no desire to hear his rationalizations or declarations of love again. What was done was done, time to move the fuck on. That was for sure.

Ward was smarter than he looked because he closed his mouth and kept it shut, letting her drink in silence. It was almost nice. She knew that drinking alone down here with the enemy was a bad idea, but she really couldn't bring herself to care. Not after that much whiskey. She was definitely more than a little buzzed. It was the most relaxed she'd felt in months. "Wanna sip?" she asked after several minutes of quiet. 

Ward looked like he was going to say no and then nodded. Hoping she wasn't making a mistake, Skye handed him the bottle. She watched him take a sip. It looked like he was savoring it. Weirdo. It was just whiskey, not even the good stuff. She had snagged it from Hunter's room.

He handed her back the bottle. "Thank you." 

"I need to head back upstairs before anyone misses me." She felt strangely reluctant to leave.

"Be careful." 

"Always", she said even though she knew it wasn't true. She locked him back up and headed back to her quarters. These visits had to stop.

For a while, Skye avoided the basement. That was until Coulson sent her down there for information. She faked reluctance so he wouldn't guess she'd already visited Ward. She so didn't need to have that conversation.

When Ward told her about her father, she listened. Skye didn't know if the intel he'd gotten from Raina was legit but she believed Ward thought it was. When his Hydra intel proved correct she decided that maybe he really did want to help them, or at least her. He still wouldn't talk to anyone else. That was okay, she didn't really want to share him. Skye liked having her own secrets. She knew it was stupid, but it was what it was. 

Skye returned to see Grant in the middle of the night even though the nightmares had stopped. She told him how Coulson was keeping secrets from her and how nothing was the same. She didn't give him details, she wasn't that stupid. She didn't want to compromise the team, just in case, Ward was being less sincere in his desire to help. She sat next to him on his cot, enjoying the closeness. She'd missed this. Missed him. She took his hand gently and stroked along the scar on one of his wrists. "Why did you do it?"

Ward closed his eyes. "I wanted to die. I didn't know who I was without Garrett and it killed me that I hurt the team, that I hurt you."

"I thought I wanted you dead. After what you did to Fitz-Simmons, after Koenig." Skye shook her head and took his other hand and ran her finger along the scar there. She didn't want Ward dead. She wasn't sure what she wanted, but it wasn't that. 

"And now?"

"Not dead."

Ward laughed. "I'll take it."

"Did they offer you any help after, like counseling or something?" Maybe they had but didn't put it in his chart.

Ward shook his head, his eyes still closed, like he was savoring her touch. Skye felt sad. They should have at least tried to help him. Why bother keeping him alive if they weren't going to at least try? Because he was useful. The thought came to her and she knew it was true. They planned to use him up before they tossed him aside. A few months ago she might not have even blinked at that. Now, everything was mixed up in her head and she wasn't so sure. 

It was during another visit that he told her about his childhood. His abusive family, that turned him into an abuser too. John Garrett had seemed like some sort of savior when he broke Ward out of juvie. Ward hadn't seen that he was an abuser too. He hadn't realized that he had just seen Ward as an easy mark that he could mold into a tool to use for whatever he wanted. Ward still had a hard time seeing it but he was starting to come around to the idea, at least a little. Skye was sure of it. Given more time she thought maybe he could be rehabilitated. 

It turned out that time was something they weren't going to have. Coulson had decided that Ward had outlasted his usefulness with S.H.I.E.L.D. and had agreed to give him to his brother Christian. Skye had tried to argue with the Director but the decision had been made. Skye had been left out of the loop again. It was happening first thing in the morning, so Skye didn't even bother trying to sleep that night and headed down to the basement as soon as the coast was clear. 

He looked like he was waiting for her. Had she really been visiting him that often? It didn't matter, this would be the last time. She didn't waste time on preamble. "Coulson's trading you to Christian in the morning." 

"What? No." The look of pain on his face broke her and she knew she had made the right decision. 

"I'm gonna get you out of here." She handed him the clothes she had brought for him. "Get dressed." She turned around to give him some privacy, knowing full well that she shouldn't turn her back on the enemy. She couldn't see him that way anymore. Not fully. She knew he had done bad things. He wasn't the only one. This world was cruel. It would tear you apart if you let it. 

"You can turn around." 

It was strange seeing him in regular clothes again. He looked good. She liked the beard. 

Skye handed him a bag full of stuff she thought he might need, cash a change of clothes, toothbrush, a burner phone. "It's the best I could do on short notice."

He looked in the bag and nodded. "Thank you."

Skye was glad he didn't ask her why she was doing this, she wasn't sure how she'd answer. 

"Come with me." 

"What?" Had she heard him right?

"Come with me. You said it yourself, you're not a family anymore."

"I can't."

"I'll help you find your father. I'll help you find anything you want." Skye hesitated. She did want to find her father and the team no longer felt like a family, but she couldn't leave. Could she?

"You can come back if it doesn't work out. Just tell them I kidnapped you again. You know they'll believe it."

They probably would. But to leave S.H.I.E.L.D.? Could she really do that? Of course, there wasn't really a S.H.I.E.L.D. anymore, not officially. Not legally. Her go bag was at the top of the stairs. She'd packed one just in case she got caught helping Ward and had to make a run for it. Ward held out his hand. Skye bit her lip. "Okay." She took his hand and they headed out in the world together.


End file.
